Checko Checko Taklamente Found Dead; Murder is Probable
Meow Meow Dui coach Checko Checko Taklamente was found dead this weekend in what is being declared by the police to be a probable murder. The coach, who has lead his team to an impressive 9-5 record in their first season of existence, was known around the league as a hardliner, enforcing all sorts of strange diets and exercise regimens on his team, as well as several harsh punishments for players who do not perform. He made headlines earlier in the year for implementing a team policy that banned all Japanese and Korean players from joining the team. He was most recently in the news for being the first manager ejected from a game after contesting the use of a player during Series 7, which took place during the overseas promotional games in Germany. For now the police have stated that former Cy Young winner Carl Pavano is under investigation for the murder, although he has not been arrested. Pavano had a very difficult relationship with Taklamente after being publicly berated by his manager in the media after his games. He furthermore also had the very embarrassing experience of being forced to pitch an entire game without any bullpen relief as punishment for failing to achieve a quality start. This shock comes at a bad team for Meow Meow Dui as they are in a difficult series with the Spartans of Bobia, as well as struggling to hold onto a playoff spot with Division 1 rivals JELLY QUEEN DREAM TEAM and the Queynos Warriors both making strong performances to effect a playoff push. Stay tuned for further developments in the case.
Division 1 Secondbaseman All Star Race Takes on a Life of Its Own
An online entrepreneur has created a stock exchange in which users can buy and sell shares of Division 1 second basemen based on their chances of making the All Star Team. This is a competition that has been watched very closely from all around the league, to the point that folks are becoming eager to make a quick buck and cash in on the very close race. As it stands right now, Bobian Marcus Giles enjoys the highest stock price with the latest ticker quote coming in at $7.61. He’s followed closely behind by Lindsyan Brian Roberts, who stands at $6.10. The rest of the available stocks stand much further below with Ken Harvey (ZSY) coming in at $2.49, Luis Castillo (QEY) at $1.04, Mark Ellis (MMD) at $0.78, Luis Rivas (AXN) at $0.25, Jose Vidro (LIN backup) at $0.09, and Charles “Value Buy CJ” Johnson (BOB) at $0.02.
Lord Sith Still Yet to Make Any Public Statement; Concerns Some Fans in First Game
The newly announced head coach of the Z-Slayers still has yet to say anything in public. In fact, during his first game against the Queynos Warriors, Lord Sith was seen to be sitting completely motionless in the dugout throughout the entirety of the game. When the time came to bring in a new pitcher, GM Sinister made the trip out to the mound, a duty that is normally carried out by the coach. After the game, Sith was seen being carried into the clubhouse by several players at the direction of Sinister. This was eerily reminiscent of the way Sith had slouched over and said nothing at the press conference announcing him as coach. Although Sith was a controversial pick to begin with, this opens up a new controversy as to if Sith is indeed even still alive or if he is merely some kind of corpse or puppet. Sinister denied these rumors after the game, saying that Sith’s coaching was instrumental in the very close 1-0 win over Queynos, without giving any specific details however. With regards to Sith’s silence, Sinister said that the former gangster simply was tired and that he would be having press conferences of his own in due time.
MEL - 10 MAX - 8 F
W - Groom (2-1) L - Hasegawa (0-1) S - Koch (3)
MEL: Redman: 6 2/3 IP, 5 ER
MAX : Franklin: 7 IP, 5 ER
MEL: Thomas: 3-5, 2 2B, 2 RBI (6)
MEL: Kennedy: 3-4, 2 2B, BB, 2 RBI (8)
MAX: Jeter: 1-4, HR, BB, 3 RBI (4)
With a win here, the ascendant Maxions could complete the sweep and finally move out of last place. Things did not get off to a good start for them however, with Melmegetian SS Derek Jeter taking starter Ryan Franklin deep on the first pitch of the game. Franklin continued to struggle early, surrendering a two run rally in the third. Melmegetian starter Mark Redman ran into some trouble at this time as well, giving up a two run rally in the fourth, thanks in part to good base running by Richie Ashburn and a clutch RBI double by Edgar Martinez, his team leading 11th RBI of the season by the way. The Bombers struck again in the bottom of the sixth, with their own SS Derek Jeter taking Redman deep for a three run blast, giving his team a 5-3 lead at that time. After Franklin allowed the first two Melmegetian baserunners on, the Bombers went to the bullpen and brought Shigetoshi Hasegawa into the game. Unfortunately for his team, he had a complete and utter meltdown, giving up big hits to Frank Thomas, Orlando Palmeiro, and Adam Kennedy. When the dust had settled, seven runs had come home in this hell inning, giving Dr. Vindaloo’s team a 10-5 lead. But this wild game was not over yet, folks. The Bombers fought back in the bottom of the ninth, loading the bases with only 1 out. Jeff Kent stepped up to the plate and hit a rocket down the third baseline that brought in two runs. Tony Clark was the next batter, and singled in yet another run. At this point the Marauders brought in closer Billy Koch to try and get out of the jam and secure the win. He walked the first batter Derek Jeter to load the bases again and set up the double play. However this proved unnecessary, as Koch struck out the next two batters in short order, earning his third save of the year. A very disappointing loss for the Bombers, who were so close to finally moving up in the ranks, and a desperately needed win for Vindaloo’s Marauders, who narrowly avoid a sweep at the hands of a team that they very well should have swept themselves. Both teams walk away from this split series highly unsatisfied; they both have very difficult matchups next week against the two of the Big Three in Division 1.
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QEY - 0, ZSY - 1 F
W - Day (1-0) L - Morris (0-2) S - Graves (4)
ZSY: Day: 6 IP, 0 ER, QS(4)
QEY: Morris: 6 IP, 1 ER, QS(3)
ZSY: Kiner: 1-4, HR(5), RBI (15)
ZSY: Pujols: 0-3, BB
QEY: Spooneybarger: 2 IP, 0 H, 0 BB
The miracle story continues; the team that was thought to have the worst pitching in the league has come up big yet again. Third starter Zach Day pitched brilliantly against the strong Queynos offense, going six strong innings and never really ever coming into danger. Despite this being his league leading 4th quality start in a row, this is only his first win of the season. After the sixth, he handed the game over to reliever Ricardo Rincon, who continued his excellent season with two shutout innings. In the ninth, Danny Graves made his second appearance in as many games to earn his fourth save of the year, tying him for the league lead. To talk about the other side of the coin for a moment, lets certainly give credit where it is due; opposing pitcher Matt Morris pitched a gem himself, matching Day inning for inning, aside from a solo homerun surrendered to Ralph Kiner in the second. Morris also got into a bases loaded jam in the sixth, but brilliantly worked out of it to prevent any further scores. It is to be noted that both teams played very well defensively in this contest, with players making some impressive plays to come up with difficult double plays, most notably third baseman Jeff Cirillo for the Z-Slayers and shortstop Carlos Guillen for the Warriors. The Z-Slayers cannot be happy with scoring only 4 runs in a series, but when your pitching has given you three straight shutout wins, I guess there isn’t a lot to complain about. Depending on how things shake out, the Z-Slayers could possibly clinch a playoff spot as early as the end of next series, in which they will try to keep their seven game win streak alive against the Red Clay Aces. As for the Warriors, this series was a very bitter pill to swallow, losing two crucial games by razor thin margins. Hope still springs eternal according to GM Mhassa Spellcaster, who was quoted after the game as saying “No, this result wasn’t ideal, but my team is still alive. And we are as hungry as a gnoll, which makes us very dangerous.” They’ll travel to Tycoonia next week to try to get some wins against the Ghost of Mao’s struggling ball club.
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LIN - 1 AXN - 0 F
W - Nen (2-1) L - Kolb (0-2)
LIN: Loaiza: 7 IP, 0 ER, QS (4)
AXN: Maroth: 6 IP, 0 ER, QS (1)
LIN: Mientkiewicz: 1-5, RBI
LIN: Ramirez: 2-4, BB, 2B, R
AXN: Kolb: 2 IP, ER
Darkpaws starter Mike Maroth made his first start of his career, and definitely surpassed expectations. The Control 2 pitcher went six strong innings without really ever getting into trouble. His opponent Esteban Loaiza was as constant as always, earning his fourth consecutive quality start in a seven inning shut out performance. Surprisingly enough, he did not earn the win or the loss, keeping his record at an even 0-0 on the season. Loaiza did however work into trouble twice, facing bases loaded with only one out on two separate occasions. In both instances, the speedy Mike Cameron was on third, preventing an easy out at home. In both instances, second baseman Brian Roberts skillfully turned double plays to end the inning and prevent any runs from coming home. After both starters had done a hard days work, it became a scoreless battle of bullpens. Vladimir Nunez pitched a scoreless seventh for the Darkpaws and then turned it over to closer Danny Kolb, who finished the eighth. All Star and always reliable Jesse Orosco pitched the eighth for the Lindsyans. Danny Kolb came out to pitch his second inning of work in the top of the ninth. He surrendered a lead off single to Manny Ramirez, which became a lead off double after the power of silver slugger. Rondell White followed with a single, moving Ramirez to third. The silver slugger was a good move, because catcher Victor Martinez was the next batter, and promptly grounded out into a double play. That left Ramirez at third with two outs and Doug Mientkiewicz at the plate. Mientkiewicz hit a ground ball that barely got past the short stop and trickled into left field, just enough to bring Ramirez home. (Kolb had rolled a 17, which was a single only because he was tired in his second inning of work). Lindsyan closer Robb Nen finished off the Darkpaws in the bottom of the ninth, completing the sweep of the series. While the JELLY QUEEN DREAM TEAM definitely are happy to be walking away with two wins, they only out scored the Darkpaws 4-1 over the last two games. That being said, they now enjoy a winning record and are very much alive in the race for a Division 1 playoff spot. Should Meow Meow Dui lose their next game, the Lindsyans will only be 1 game back of third place. As for the Darkpaws...not so much. It's possible that they will officially be eliminated from playoff contention as early as next series, which they will play against the Cardinals.
ZSY 3 QEY 0 F
W - Hernandez (3-0) L - Rodgers (1-2) S - Graves (3)
ZSY: Hernandez: 7 IP, 0ER, QS (4)
ZSY: Pujols: 1-3, HR(8), RBI(22), 2 BB
ZSY: Harvey: 4-5, RBI
QEY: Rodgers: 7 IP, 3 ER, QS(3)
Things looked like they were going to be ugly early; the powerful Z-Slayer offense managed to load the bases in each of the first three innings, but the veteran Queynos starter managed to escape surrendering only one run. The Z-Slayers kept Rodgers on his toes throughout the entire evening, but he did reasonably well to keep them off the board. He only faltered in the fifth, where he surrendered a solo homerun to Albert Pujols, and in the seventh, where he surrendered an RBI single to second baseman Ken Harvey, who is making a push to be mentioned in the contentious Division 1 All Star discussion. Maybe just another word about Pujols, as he is the hottest player in the league right now; he has gone three straight games with a homerun, racking up 5 homers and ten RBIs during that streak. As for the Z-Slayer pitching, Runelvys Hernandez had another smashing performance, handling the Warriors with relative ease for seven innings strong. This very standard control 3, 17 and up pitcher has surprised the entire league to become the first in the league to nab four quality starts. ZSY closer Danny Graves entered the game in the eighth and pitched two scoreless innings to close the game and earn the save, his third of the year. While neither team was fully satisfied with their performance, you can really feel the pressure from the Queynos side, as they try to keep pace with the "big boys" of Division 1 and try to prove that they are playoff material.
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STL 2 TEN 7 F
W - Beckett (3-0) L - Oliver (0-2)
TEN: Beckett: 8 IP, 2 ER
STL: Oliver: 7 IP, 7 ER
TEN: Hammonds: 1-4, 3R HR
TEN: Ortiz: 1-4, 3R HR
TEN: Edgar Martinez Jr.: 1-4, 1B
Sometimes a game can be boiled down to just a few swings of the bat. So it went for last nights game between these two Pee Wee league rivals. A win for the Cardinals would actually move them into second place, while a win for the Green Sox would put them into an effective tie for third. Both starters were decent through the early innings, but Cardinals Darren Oliver made one mistake in the second, surrendering a three run shot to Jeffrey Hammonds, in his first at bat as a member of the Green Sox. Things then moved briskly through the middle innings with both starters looking sharp. But Oliver made yet another mistake in the seventh, serving up a solo homerun to Magglio Ordonez. Another mistake came a few batters later when David Ortiz took him deep for another three scores. David Ortiz started off the season on fire, but has been rather bad through the middle of the season; these are his first RBIs in three series. Tenbil Town starter Josh Beckett then went on to make a mistake of his own in the top of the eighth, becoming the victim of a Larry Walker two run blast. So when the game was all said and done, nine runs had been score but only four swings of the bad had really mattered. The Green Sox are a team that lives and dies by the homerun, which they are trying to change with the addition of Edgar Martinez Jr. In his first career game he was a non-factor, going 1-4 with a single. The winner of Game 2 of this series will find themselves in sole possession of third place, and possibly second depending on a Tycoon loss.
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MMD 0 BOB 4 F
W - Halladay (3-0) L - Schilling (3-1)
BOB: Halladay: CG, QS, only 3 hits allowed, 0 ER
MMD: Schilling: 7 IP, 4 ER
BOB: Mondesi: 2 2B, RBI
BOB: Aparicio: 2-5, 2 SB
In one of perhaps the best pitching match-ups of the year, two Division 1 rivals met for a showdown at Dulcolax Stadium, with the Spartans in the strange situation of trying to avoid a losing streak. Ronde Barber's lineup shakeup yielded fruits in the top of the first. Luis Aparicio picked up two stolen bases and was brought home thanks to an Ichiro sacrifice fly. Then followed several difficult innings for Schilling, who seemed to struggle for most of the night. He surrendered key hits to Marcus Giles, Raul Mondesi and Edgar Martinez, all of whom knocked in a run to build on the Bobian lead. As for Halladay, he was in top form, never even allowing a runner to reach second base the entire evening. He struck out 7 batters along the way, completing the game surrendering only 3 hits. This was the second best pitching performance of the year, bettered only by his one hitter debut. After the game, Ronde Barber expressed approval with his offenses performance, saying that initial results look good, but that the lineup shifts will go on anyway so that it can be experimented against several different kinds of pitchers. Game 2 features yet another amazing matchup as Tom Glavine SS goes up against Kenny Rodgers. Both stand undefeated with records of 2-0.
Lord Sinister Announces New Coach for Z-Slayers; Controversy Erupts
During a press conference yesterday, the Z-Slayer General Manager Lord Sinister announced the new head coach for his hot hitting team: none other than Lord Sith, a cyborg who ruled over the puppet state of Sithia for several years during the era of the Tycoon Wars. The announcement was met immediately with uproar from around the league, including very strong criticism from the St. Louis Cardinals, who immediately banned Sith from all their games. Other Zachrian players certainly had their fair share to say about the move. Most notable were comments from two time Cy Young winner Joel Piniero, who now pitches for the Darkpaws: “If Sith ever has the courage to enter the same stadium as me, expect my control to be very off that day. I might throw just a little outside of the strike zone that day…ie right into the dugout where he is sitting.” The Darkpaws have already played against the Z-Slayers, and are already out of playoff contention. But wouldn’t it be interesting if the Cardinals and Z-Slayers met in the championship round? The reaction from non-Zachrians was uniformly negative as well: The Ghost of Mao called upon the league commissioner to review the move on the basis of security concerns. Ishmael von Corrin questioned the wisdom of having a coach with zero baseball experience. And Mhassa Spellcaster was quoted as saying “Isn’t one alleged terrorist enough for a ball club? Sinister himself was questionable, but Sith is just a step way too far.” Back at the press conference, Sinister claimed that he could not think of anyone better to live up to the name of a “Z-Slayer”, and would be proud to have Sith take over coaching duties this week in their series against the Warriors. Strangely enough, Sith himself did not say a word during the entire conference, and sat rather slumped over on his chair at the front of the room.
Ronde Barber Denies Trade Rumors; Announces Lineup Shakeup Instead
After their nine game win streak was snapped last week against the St. Louis Cardinals, reports circulated of a furious Ronde Barber unloading an entire clip of ammo on a helpless Gatorade bucket while simultaneously threatening to send some of his players “back to their dead end jobs.” These are undoubtedly exaggerations, as it is almost impossible to imagine the cool and collected Barber losing his temper over a single loss. But further rumors began to circulate about possible roster moves, namely that center fielder Juan Pierre was on the chopping block and that hitting coach Mike Piazza would be transferred to ball boy. Ronde Barber took to a press conference of his own and laughingly brushed off those rumors, assuring the press that Pierre’s job was safe for now and that Mike Piazza is a Bobian legend and would never be given such short shrift. Acknowledging however that he was disappointed with his team’s offensive performance of late, Barber said that he would attempt to shake things up by retooling the batting order. Luis Aparicio, currently the league leader in stolen bases, would be moved up to lead off man. Juan Pierre would be tacked on at the ninth spot as a “secondary leadoff man”, a strategy currently used by other teams such as Mao’s Tycoons and the JELLY QUEEN DREAM TEAM. Ichiro would be taken out of the third spot to bat second. Analyzing the moves, John Kruk had the following to say: “In general I think this is a good idea. I like giving Louie more freedom at the top of the lineup; I’m personally keeping my eye on Raul Mondesi, actually. He’s been decent all year, but I think we can agree that he hasn’t exactly been performing up to expectations. Travis Hafner can’t continue to carry this team offensively all by himself, so I really see Mondesi as a key player to step up and make this work.”
Darkpaws Griffey Claimes He's Cursed; Hires BillyWitchDoctor.Com
With just two homeruns and seven RBIs, Darkpaws center fielder is objectively having the worst season of his career thus far. To make matters worse, his STATS include a grand slam. So aside from that one swing of the bat, the Season 4 MVP is limping along with just a handful of big hits this year. His day-to-day at bats have been pitiful, with an awful average and an even more embarrassing strikeout and double play rate. He's only one of a handful of players to make the All Star team three years in a row, but he's really going to need a miracle to make it four. In a recent interview, "Ken Whiffey" (as fans around the league have taken to call him) described his belief in a curse that was put on him at the beginning of the season. "I didn't mention this before cause...well...that voodoo stuff just sounds ridiculous. But it's true. There just ain't no other explanation for it." Griffey claims that he's not sure who cursed him or how, but that he has hired a consulting firm called BillyWitchDoctor.Com to get to the root of the issue. What will it uncover? Who knows, but at this point it's basically the Darkpaws trying to get a leg up on next season.
MAX 4, MEL 2 F
W – Daal (1-2) L - Beckett (1-2) S - Rivera (2)
Two of the most lackluster teams in the league took to the field in this one, eager to pick up some wins to make a late season playoff push. The Bombers were the first try strike with a three run rally in the second inning, the big hit coming in the form of a Bengie “Don’t Make Fun of My Speed” Molina double, which knocked in his 9th RBI of the season, second best on the team. Corey Koskie and Edgar Martinez also had RBIs, while Richie Ashburn notched the first of his two stolen bases in this contest. On the flip side of things, Bombers starter Omar Daal had his best performance of the year, going seven and one thirds strong innings. The second straight good performance from Daal definitely gives some hope for this team’s rotation going forward. Vindaloo’s team did not go down without putting up a fight, however. Daal allowed the leadoff runner on in the eighth before eventually giving way to reliever Ugueth Urbina, who gave up a series of hits to the heart of the Marauder order. When things were said and done, the Marauders had added two runs thanks to big hits from LF Brandon Larson and DH Frank Thomas. Melmegetian reliever Juan Acevedo ran into some trouble himself in the top of the ninth, but was relieved by Latroy Hawkins who managed to escape from a bases loaded one out jam. But the Marauders could do nothing with their last chance in the ninth, as the game was closed out by Mariano Rivera, who earned his second save on only just his third appearance this year. The Bombers have to be happy with their performance in this one, as all parts of the team did well. Dr. Vindaloo, however, is nervously looking over his shoulder; a loss next game would switch his team’s position in the standings with the Bombers, leaving them in the basement of Division 2.
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AXN 1, LIN 3 F
W – Schoenweiss (1-2) L - Wood 02 (0-2) S - Karsay (1)
Lindsyan starter Scott Schoenweiss dominated the Darkpaws for six innings, surrendering only 4 hits and a walk during that time. His opponent, Kerry Wood 02, also pitched well but got burned three times in the middle innings; he gave up a solo homerun to Manny Ramirez in the fourth, an RBI double to 2B Brian Roberts (who is in an absolutely vicious competition with BOB 2B Marcus Giles for Division 1 All-Star) in the fifth, and an RBI double to Manny Ramirez again in the sixth. Steve Karsay entered the game in relief of Schoenweiss in the seventh, and pitched three solid innings of relief to earn a save. He did have a scare in the eighth, however, when the Darkpaw offense was able to string together a few hits and score a run. After the game, the JELLY QUEEN was quite happy with her team’s performance, particularly with Manny Ramirez. Although she just kept saying “BRAKOW!” an interpreter insisted that she was trying to express the idea that a hot hitting Manny would be essential for the team to claw its way (no pun intended) back into playoff contention. As for the Darkpaws, speculation is building that long-time starter Kerry Wood will be leaving the team at the end of the season to possibly join an expansion team.
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TYC 2, RED 5 F/17
W – Harper (1-1) L - Ryan (0-1) Blown Save - Quantril (1)
Fighting for dominance of the Pee Wee League, neither team really looked like a Division Champ in this one. Both starting pitchers ran into trouble in the first inning, and both worked out of their respective jams with one out or less. For the next seven innings, both pitchers pitched quite well, allowing a runner to reach scoring position every now and then but also getting their fair share of 1-2-3 innings. It also must be said that the lack of runs is also due in large part to the incompetence of the offensive units, who had awful rolls the entire night. As for the starters, Kerry Wood 04 was solid in his first start as a Tycoon, going seven strong but allowing a run in the sixth and another in the seventh, both due to bases loaded walks. His rival, Aces starter Josh Fogg, was just a bit better, also going seven innings but not surrendering a single run. Fogg was relieved in the eighth by Paul Quantril who proceeded to blow the hold (and save) by surrendering a two run homer to reigning MVP Jeremy Giambi. After that, the game went through another eight innings of absolutely shameful offensive performance, without either team scoring. As one of the longest games in league history, this obviously took a toll on both team's bullpens. For the Aces, Quantril pitched one inning, Shingo Takatsu pitched four, Billy Wagner three, and winning pitcher Travis Harper did two. For the losing Tycoons, Trevor Hoffman pitched one, Danny Kolb pitched three, Shingo Takatsu also pitched four, and B.J. Ryan, already used twice in a row, surrendered a three run walk-off homer to Aces firstbaseman Jason Giambi to end the game. Interestingly enough, this was the first loss all year assigned to a Tycoon reliever or closer. This result certainly puts the pressure on the starting pitchers for Game 2 of the series; the edge definitely goes to Tycoon starter Brad Penny, who has been known to complete games. The Aces will send the always reliable Ben Sheets to the mound, who although a very reliable starter, is typically a six inning pitcher.
Welcome to Episode Six of the Kruk Bucket; I’m your host John Kruk. Well what an amazing series we just completed…I kind of have the same feeling when you just finish Mee Maw’s Meatloaf…that was just too good, you know you’re going to be disappointed with whatever comes next! We sure did learn a lot this series…that the Z-Slayers mean business…that the Cardinals really are schizo…that the Warriors definitely still have some fight left in them…and that Division 2 is one of the most shameful things that I’ve ever seen before. Speaking of shameful, I was in Tycoonia covering the game last week. Remember all the threats that I’ve received from Tycoon fans? Well take a look at this video taken by a fan as I left the stadium; despite the best efforts of some Tycoons, there was a crowd of Z-Slayer fans that overpowered them in their own hometown. Now onto the rankings!
1. BOB (0) Sure, they took a loss to the Cardinals, but that isn’t scaring me off the bandwagon. With all four of their starters in the Cy Young discussion, I really don’t think any team has been better positioned down the stretch. Note that although the win streak officially ended at 9, the quality start streak lives on. Although rarely used, they have one of the best bullpens in the league, with both Rollie Fingers and Buddy Groom performing at an All Star level. Now some say that the offense has problems. To that, I say hogwash. This team isn’t designed to be scoring five runs each and every game. Instead, they manufacture runs when they need it. Luis Aparicio is still one of the most versatile players in the game, and there is enough decent hitters behind him that usually someone is on a good streak. I definitely have my eye on Travis Hafner as we approach the playoffs. The veteran has been with the team since the beginning and has been a quiet, but effective leader. Not to mention the fact that Ronde Barber knows what he’s doing; perhaps he had an initial overreaction to the loss, but expect a few tweaks in the coming games. If he can find a way to reignite Ichiro, I think this next series against Meow Meow Dui will go very well for them.
2. ZSY (+1) Albert Pujols, Ralph Kiner, and Jack Wilson have a combined 45 RBIs. They’ve scored 44 runs during their current five game winning streak. I’m going to let that sink in for a moment…this team is an offensive juggernaut, but what’s more, the starting pitching has been consistently good thus far this year. That was not a part of the plan when the team started the season, but a very welcome surprise! Kip Wells is another pitcher into the Cy Young discussion, the only pitcher to be sporting a 4-0 record at the moment. But I’m seriously questioning if that can be kept up for the rest of the year or even into the playoffs. Also the bullpen is another weakness that the team has managed to dance around more or less successfully so far this year. But what will happen in a playoff scenario when this team gets into a late inning slugfest? I really do think they are a shoe-in for the playoffs, but the jury is still out on how they would do once they got there.
3. MMD (-1) Blueberry frosting or classic strawberry…two flavors of Pop Tarts, but ultimately the same product. That’s how I’m feeling about this upcoming series between the Spartans and Meow Meow Dui. Both teams very focused on the starting pitching, while the offenses runs a run manufacturing strategy. That being said, the team is in an interesting situation at third place in Division 1. Their remaining schedule is a mix of intense division match-ups (BOB and ZSY) and very easy wins ripe for the picking (MAX, AXN, MEL). Depending how they perform over the next couple series, they could very easily find themselves winning the division. On the other hand, should they stumble, both the JELLY QUEEN DREAM TEAM and the Queynos Warriors are hungry for that last playoff spot and are pushing with all their might to get in.
4. RED (0) Last update I predicted a bumpy ride in the second half for this team and well…let’s just say the second half started really bumpy, in the form of an embarrassing sweep at the hands of the Warriors. The clear issue with this team has been the pitching, both starting and relieving. Personally, I think the team needs to make a move because their current staff clearly aren’t cutting it. The do get decent run support, so I can’t lay any blame really on the offense. And the bullpen is starting to show some signs of cracking after being relied upon a bit too heavily. Their remaining schedule is one of the toughest in the league, with their next three series against TYC, ZSY, and BOB in that order. I don’t see them going better than .500 across that stretch with their current ball club. The team can hit, but if Ishmael von Corrin doesn’t want to slip out of the playoff picture, he’s gotta make a change.
5. QEY (+4) This team showed some real heart last series against the Aces; clearly the new GM and management team has injected some energy into this team and is moving them in the right direction. The middle of the lineup is hotter than Aunt Jemima’s pancake griddle on Sunday morning, with Ellis Burks, Cliff Floyd, and Frank Catalonotto creating some very dangerous waters for opposing pitchers to navigate. Of late Floyd has been particularly good after struggling very badly at the start of the season. We’ll see if the team has what it takes to keep up the momentum; I’m not sure if they can next week against the Z-Slayers. Even a split series would be welcome for the currently fourth place team, but should they drop two, could they recover in the last stretch of the season? Their last games of the year are against the JELLY QUEEN, which could prove to be the most important series of the year for them.
6. LIN (+1) Upon entering the easiest stretch of their schedule, the Lindsyans got off on the wrong foot by dropping a game to the lowly Bombers. They bounced back with a solid win in game two and are looking to forward that momentum in their next two games against the last place Darkpaws. Moises “Piss Hands” Alou and team would definitely consider anything less than a sweep a disappointment, as this is their only “easy” matchup left this season. In the hyper-competitive Division 1, Jelly’s team are in a desperate dog fight with the Warriors to not be the “good team” that gets shouldered out of the playoffs. With the Warriors on a bit of a hot streak, the Lindsyans really need the offensive sparks to fly once more. Left fielder Manny Ramirez was an early contender for MVP, but he’s been almost silent since the midpoint of the season. Rondell White has been picking up some of the slack, but the rest of the team really needs to wake up and give the pitching staff some more run support. To repeat myself, this week is a big one for this team. A good result for them and a bad result for the Warriors (who will face the Z-Slayers) will have them much better positioned for the final push.
7. STL (-2) Although the team drops two spots in the Power Rankings, I think things are relatively stable with this team. While proving that the Spartans are not invulnerable, they extended their streak of splitting series to six straight. That being said, they didn’t look great, with the only real bright spot coming from an encouraging performance by starter Bud Smith. Aside from that the offense cooled off considerably and the already thin bullpen has stumbled twice in three games. But the way I’m looking at Division 2, if the Cardinals continue to play .500 baseball, they just might end up winning the Division. Anything can happen really, but with how the other teams have been performing, I have the feeling they will finish the year in first or second place. Big games this week against Edgar Martinez Jr. and the Green Sox, but I’m expecting another split.
8. TYC (-2) So it’s true that a Tycoons fan jokingly offered me a hot dog, but his own team offered him a kitty litter sandwich. Talk about a team in a death spiral: the team has been shut out 4 of their last six games and outscored 38-13 during that same stretch. The once proud starting rotation has been humbled for two cycles in a row, so there’s not even that to talk about. The only bit of hope for the team comes in the form of Kerry Wood 04, the former Darkpaw who pitched decently for that team with no run support throughout the year. I’m not sure he’s going to find much more with his new team. The Giambi brothers have been the biggest disappointments of the entire league so far this year, to the point it’s a miracle that this team even got seven wins. Fred McGriff started off the season red hot, but he hasn't had an RBI in over seven games. But of course in the madness that is Division 2, Mao’s squad is still in the running for a first round bye, which they could make a very strong case for if they can turn the ship around this week against von Corrin’s Red Clay Aces. You never know, they might end up being replaced by the Bombers.
9. TEN (+1) Well I suppose there were some signs of life after splitting the series against Meow Meow Dui, but the real big news is the addition of Edgar Martinez Jr., which I think is a welcome move by a team that has struggled to amass baserunners. Joel Piniero is off the team, which probably won’t have a huge impact on the starters, but may actually put some more stress on the bullpen since Piniero did eat up a lot of innings. Otherwise I can’t say that I’m feeling the excitement that a lot of people around the league seem to be having for this team. As I’ve said endlessly, anything can happen in Division 2 especially with the interesting opponents they have scheduled: STL, LIN, AXN, TYC, and finally MEL. Lots of winnable games in there.
10. MEL (-2) So it goes for the Marauders as well, coming off of a split series against the Darkpaws where Doctor Vindaloo’s ball club did not look all that strong. There’s just no pop there, no flavor, no Frank’s Red Hot Sauce…if you’ve seen the team play, they are pretty boring games. No offense to Doctor Vindaloo, but names like Adam Kennedy and Scott Rolen aren’t exactly filling up Melmegetian Municipal Stadium (the giant Shiva Natarajah statue in left field, now that's something to see). In my opinion, the team might be able to sneak into the playoffs if they perform at critical junctures, such as their upcoming Division Series. They stumbled a bit against the Darkpaws, but could they assert themselves against the Bombers this week?
11. MAX (+1) To be honest, I actually like the Bombers this week when they come to rumble with the Marauders. Incredibly they too are in the playoff hunt and have been playing decently after snapping their eight game losing streak, going 2-2 over their last four games. Jeff Kent has powered the offense with a pair of homers during that stretch while Richie Ashburn continues to put together a decent season. The bottom of the order has also been a pleasant surprise with Delino “Delicious” Deshields and Bengie “Don’t Make Fun Of My Speed” Molina providing a decent spark to several rallies. Pitching isn’t quite what is used to be (especially the struggling bullpen) but it has certainly improved from the first half of the year. Playoffs certainly seem a long ways off for this team, but definitely don’t count them out yet.
12. AXN (-1) Although they have a better record than the Bombers, there really isn’t any path for the Darkpaws to make the playoffs this year. We saw that reflected in their most recent trade for Joel Piniero, a move obviously carried out with next season in mind. At this point they really could only play spoiler for other teams looking for easy wins. As the season progresses we count down the days until they are officially eliminated from contention. Is there also a timer counting down the days for GM ALLIED_MASTERCOMPUTER? There’s talk that the Darkpaws want to start fresh next year, so new management might be in the cards as well. Also interesting to note that it looks like Ken Griffey Jr. in all likelihood will not make the All Star team. This would be the first time he’s missed that award in his entire career.
That’s all for now folks. Thanks for tuning in and remember: when someone offers you a hot dog and their intent is malicious, just say no. When someone offers you a hot dog and their intent is delicious, just say yes.
W – Mulder (2-1) L - Buehrle (0-3) S - Spooneybarger (1)
A tale of two teams in this one: the struggling Aces on a three game losing skid going up against the very hungry Queynos Warrior team making an uphill playoff push. The Warriors offense kicked things off right away with a Cliff Floyd two run shot in the first; the very hot hitting third baseman Edgardo Alfonzo followed up with his own two run homer in the third. Warrior ace Mark Mulder had problems of his own early in this game, especially having problems with the bottom of the Red Clay order, surrendering a run in the second and a three run rally in the third. Aces catcher A.J. Pierzynski certainly had Mulders number, going 4-5 on the day with a homerun and three RBIs. Both pitchers appeared the settle down in the middle innings, until Mark Buehrle had an absolute meltdown in the sixth. After walking Michael Barrett, he surrendered a triple to Luis Castillo, who was brought home next at bat by an Ellis Burks homerun. Cliff Floyed then stepped to the plate and then belted his second homerun of the day. To really put some salt in the wound, the next batter, Frank Catalonotto, also homered. That ended Buerhle's day, and possibly his tenure with the Aces . Mulder continued to have problems, surrendering another two runs before being pulled in the seventh. Old reliable Tim Spooneybarger entered the game for the Warriors in the eighth and slammed the door on the Aces offense, going two strong innings to earn his first save of the year. Definitely a coup for the ascendant Warriors, who have recovered nicely after having been swept by their Bobian division rivals. The reigning Division 1 champs face a very uphill battle to climb back up into the playoffs, but they could not have begun their ascent in any better way. We'll see if they can keep their momentum next week, as they face an incredibly difficult and high stakes matchup against the Z-Slayers. New head coach Kalaby Jaby has already labeled it as a "do-or-die" series. As for the Aces...well yuck. With an unimpressive 7-6 record, they still sit atop Division 2, or the Pee Wee League as some have begun to call it. Very nervously they are looking back over their shoulders and seeing that they are only 4 games ahead of the last place team in the league. With 9 games left in the season, this Division is still entirely up for grabs. Next up is an equally crucial matchup against Mao's Tycoons. Will the team be able to assert themselves as the Division Leaders, or will this ship continue to spiral downwards? Very interesting questions that do not have an answer as of yet.
-------------------------------------------------- ZSY 9, TYC 0 F
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W – Wells (4-0) L - Johnson (1-2)
The Tycoons headed back home looking to avoid a sweep at the hands of the Z-Slayers as well as turn around the ship after a string of particularly bad games. Things did not get off to a good start for starter Randy Johnson - and they never really got any better. Ralph Kiner knocked in a run with a triple in the second, and was brought home on the next pitch thanks to a Paul Lo Duca single. The Z-Slayers rallied again in the fourth, bringing home another two runs off the bat of a Ralph Kiner double and a Ken Harvey single. Smart base running from leadoff man Carl Crawford and a clutch double by Juan Pierre helped the Z-Slayers manufacture yet another run in the fifth. Meanwhile on the other side of things, Kip Wells continued his career year, knocking down Tycoon batters without really ever getting into danger. Albert Pujols belted a solo shot for the Z-Slayers in the top of the seventh; folks, that's his fourth homer and ninth RBI in two games. Pujols also flashed some leather in the bottom of that inning, providing the +1 fielding that was needed to turn a double play. To make the night all the more memorable, Ralph Kiner stepped up to the plate in the top of the ninth, a home run away from being the first player in league history to hit for the cycle. While many others have gotten to within one at bat of achieving this, Kiner swung for the fences and succeeded where so many others had failed, knocking a B.J. Ryan fastball just over the right field wall. This three run shot put Kiner at 5 RBIs on the night and 14 total for the season. The cherry on top of this massive cake was Kip Wells going the distance, completing the game after throwing nine innings of shutout baseball and earning his league leading fourth win of the season. Full spectrum dominance from the Z-Slayers in this one, as this team is firing on all cylinders at the moment. Not so much for the hapless Tycoons, who have been shut out four of their last six games (yes, you read that correctly). The Ghost of Mao has come under intense criticism from the press for not addressing the worst offense in the league and instead only making changes with the pitching staff. They have a very difficult matchup with the Aces next series, a series in which the world hopes someone will show up to take the lead in Division 2. For now, the Pee Wee League is just a complete mess. --------------------------------------------
BOB 2, STL 3 F
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W – Isringhausen (1-0) L - Seaver (1-1) Blown Save - Isringhausen (1)
One way or another, a streak was coming to an end tonight. Early on, It looked like the Super Saiyan version of the Cardinals showed up; Edgar Renteria kicked off scoring in the bottom of the first, taking the Tom Seaver deep for a two run shot. But Seaver very quickly recovered from that, giving up only another three hits over the next eight innings while racking up 11 strikeouts. Cardinals ace Bud Smith had his best performance of the year, being fairly in control for six shutout innings against a confused looking Bobians offense. So it went up until the ninth with not much going on offensively on either side. Cardinals closer Jason Isringhausen was going for a two inning save when he surrendered a two run shot to Travis Hafner, which tied the game at two runs apiece. Hafner has easily been not only the hottest Spartan hitter of late, but also the most clutch with a few instances of late innings heroics. But in a twist of fate, Seaver stumbled in the bottom of the ninth when Larry Walker 04 lofted a 3-2 fastball into the right field corner, bringing home the winning run and ending the Spartans winning streak at nine. Although this win doesn't change anything in the standings, Spartans GM Ronde Barber was apparently furious with his team's offensive performance and reportedly threatened to fire several players. During his press conference however, he very calmly explained that he would consider tuning the batting order as a result of the loss. They have a big matchup next week against Division 1 rival Meow Meow Dui. As for the Cardinals, add this game to the pile of evidence that this team is capable of anything. They will attempt to cement their place in the standings next week when they take on the Melmegetian Marauders, who are hot on their heels.
