During a press conference yesterday, the Z-Slayer General Manager Lord Sinister announced the new head coach for his hot hitting team: none other than Lord Sith, a cyborg who ruled over the puppet state of Sithia for several years during the era of the Tycoon Wars. The announcement was met immediately with uproar from around the league, including very strong criticism from the St. Louis Cardinals, who immediately banned Sith from all their games. Other Zachrian players certainly had their fair share to say about the move. Most notable were comments from two time Cy Young winner Joel Piniero, who now pitches for the Darkpaws: “If Sith ever has the courage to enter the same stadium as me, expect my control to be very off that day. I might throw just a little outside of the strike zone that day…ie right into the dugout where he is sitting.” The Darkpaws have already played against the Z-Slayers, and are already out of playoff contention. But wouldn’t it be interesting if the Cardinals and Z-Slayers met in the championship round? The reaction from non-Zachrians was uniformly negative as well: The Ghost of Mao called upon the league commissioner to review the move on the basis of security concerns. Ishmael von Corrin questioned the wisdom of having a coach with zero baseball experience. And Mhassa Spellcaster was quoted as saying “Isn’t one alleged terrorist enough for a ball club? Sinister himself was questionable, but Sith is just a step way too far.” Back at the press conference, Sinister claimed that he could not think of anyone better to live up to the name of a “Z-Slayer”, and would be proud to have Sith take over coaching duties this week in their series against the Warriors. Strangely enough, Sith himself did not say a word during the entire conference, and sat rather slumped over on his chair at the front of the room.
Ronde Barber Denies Trade Rumors; Announces Lineup Shakeup Instead
After their nine game win streak was snapped last week against the St. Louis Cardinals, reports circulated of a furious Ronde Barber unloading an entire clip of ammo on a helpless Gatorade bucket while simultaneously threatening to send some of his players “back to their dead end jobs.” These are undoubtedly exaggerations, as it is almost impossible to imagine the cool and collected Barber losing his temper over a single loss. But further rumors began to circulate about possible roster moves, namely that center fielder Juan Pierre was on the chopping block and that hitting coach Mike Piazza would be transferred to ball boy. Ronde Barber took to a press conference of his own and laughingly brushed off those rumors, assuring the press that Pierre’s job was safe for now and that Mike Piazza is a Bobian legend and would never be given such short shrift. Acknowledging however that he was disappointed with his team’s offensive performance of late, Barber said that he would attempt to shake things up by retooling the batting order. Luis Aparicio, currently the league leader in stolen bases, would be moved up to lead off man. Juan Pierre would be tacked on at the ninth spot as a “secondary leadoff man”, a strategy currently used by other teams such as Mao’s Tycoons and the JELLY QUEEN DREAM TEAM. Ichiro would be taken out of the third spot to bat second. Analyzing the moves, John Kruk had the following to say: “In general I think this is a good idea. I like giving Louie more freedom at the top of the lineup; I’m personally keeping my eye on Raul Mondesi, actually. He’s been decent all year, but I think we can agree that he hasn’t exactly been performing up to expectations. Travis Hafner can’t continue to carry this team offensively all by himself, so I really see Mondesi as a key player to step up and make this work.”
Darkpaws Griffey Claimes He's Cursed; Hires BillyWitchDoctor.Com
With just two homeruns and seven RBIs, Darkpaws center fielder is objectively having the worst season of his career thus far. To make matters worse, his STATS include a grand slam. So aside from that one swing of the bat, the Season 4 MVP is limping along with just a handful of big hits this year. His day-to-day at bats have been pitiful, with an awful average and an even more embarrassing strikeout and double play rate. He's only one of a handful of players to make the All Star team three years in a row, but he's really going to need a miracle to make it four. In a recent interview, "Ken Whiffey" (as fans around the league have taken to call him) described his belief in a curse that was put on him at the beginning of the season. "I didn't mention this before cause...well...that voodoo stuff just sounds ridiculous. But it's true. There just ain't no other explanation for it." Griffey claims that he's not sure who cursed him or how, but that he has hired a consulting firm called BillyWitchDoctor.Com to get to the root of the issue. What will it uncover? Who knows, but at this point it's basically the Darkpaws trying to get a leg up on next season.
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