John Kruk "Banned" From New Z-Slayers Park After Alleged Break-In
A dazed John Kruk was seen late last evening being escorted by security off of the grounds of the new Z-Slayer Park after allegedly trying to "break-in" to the stadium before it opens next week. Mr. Kruk appeared to be in yam shock at that time and wasn't able to give any coherent comment besides "I need a chalupa." Security authorities later announced that no charges would be filed against Mister Kruk but that he would be banned for life from entering the grounds. Later, after getting his strength back by a few rounds of Taco Bell, Kruk went on to say that he had been "setup." "I can show you the texts, for buffet's sake! Sinister himself invited me here so I could interview his mute coach! You might have heard that the Z-Slayers lost a bet...well I guess this is his way of welching out on it!" Sinister responded with subdued comments of its own, saying that he was very sorry that the broadcasting great wouldn't be able to announce any of their games in the future. Players around the league expressed disapproval with the way that the Z-Slayers organization handled the incident, with Maxion Bomber Richie Ashburn going even so far as to label this as a conspiracy.
Alyxian Darkpaws Officially Eliminated from Playoffs; AM Will Stay On
Although the Darkpaws were officially eliminated from playoff contention when Meow Meow Dui triumphed over the Melmegetian Marauders this week, the organization has decided that ALLIED_MASTERCOMPUTER is the guy that they want at the helm of the team for next season. A disappointing showing for the team this year, but the team has shown some promise in the second half of the year by winning several tough games. "It was too little, too late," AM was quoted as saying, "but it's something we can build on for next year." He went on to say that the team will definitely be making moves in the off season, but did not elaborate exactly how. While the starting pitching was solid for most of the year, both the bullpen and offense struggled horrendously for long stretches. No longer in playoff contention, the Darkpaws will play their final three games against the Queynos Warriors and Meow Meow Dui in the hopes of not finishing dead last in the league.
Shock Poll: Most Bobians Don't Read News Articles; New Literacy Outreach Program Announced
There was a bit of an awkward moment earlier this week when Bobian GM Ronde Barber was caught during an interview not exactly understanding that his team had already clinched the playoffs. An honest mistake, for sure, but this prompted a group of researchers to initiate a study that looked at fans likelihood to read news articles about their own teams. Their results were shocking and found that most attendees at Dulcolax Stadium had never even heard of the League News Roundup service. In response, the researchers came up with a novel idea to promote literacy among fans at the ballpark. Instead of printing the game's program on paper, they would now be printed on crispy bacon. Sales immediately rose through the roof last series against the Red Clay Aces, but researchers have yet to determine how much reading this actually promoted. Concerns about ink on the bacon were dismissed by the researchers, as a parallel study from the University of Kinshasa clearly showed that there were no ill effects from mixing the two.
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