Three Arrests Made in Taklamente Murder
Police have released the identities of three people taken in as suspects in the murder of Meow Meow Dui general manager Checko Checko Taklamente. The first was Harlan Ellison, the bench coach of the Alyxian Darkpaws, who was seen making threats against Taklamente in a video that went viral after the team’s latest loss against the JELLY QUEEN DREAM TEAM. The threats, which came during a long tirade in the Darkpaw locker room, referenced all sorts of violence to be used against the Meow Meow Coach for “ruining the balance of Division 1.” Ellison, who many have already considered to be slightly unhinged after he forced one of his relievers to chug an entire keg of Gatorade after a blown save, made the comments a day before the murder happened. The second suspect was named as former Spartan Lance Berkman, was positively ID’d just blocks away from the site of the murder shortly after it happened, retching violently into a sewer grate on the street. When police asked him why he was vomiting so much, his first response was mysteriously to say “Because I’ve done a really horrible thing. I was just angry; that person didn’t deserve it.” Police are still determining what these words mean, but reports indicate that Berkman had previously met with Meow Meow Dui leadership to discuss a possible comeback. The third and final suspect is Zachrian-Japanese pitcher Tomo Ohka, who previously pitched for the Zachrian Wildhearts. Ohka was arrested at Atheninia International Airport after buying a one-way ticket the night of the murder for a flight that same evening out of the country. He arrived at the airport in such a rush, that he was stopped at security for forgetting his passport. It is not known at this time what connection Ohka had with Taklamente, but Taklamente’s anti-Japanese bias was notorious throughout the league. Stay tuned to this one, more details sure to come.
Formal Investigation to be launched against Dr. Vindaloo
The league commissioner has formally launched an investigation in an apparent corruption probe against Marauder manager Dr. Vindaloo. Sources have been tight lipped as to what sparked the investigation, but several people have speculated that it might have something to do with a cover-up operation undertaken by Vindaloo himself. Several trucks worth of Indian food was seen being sent by Vindaloo to Dulcolax Stadium in what Marauder leadership called “a gesture of good will.” The Marauders will host the Spartans next week at Melmegetia Municipal Stadium.
Seaver Hints At Leaving Spartans; Will Be a Free Agent
As talk begins to heat up about several expansion teams, Spartan ace Tom Seaver said recently in an interview that we would feel a certain sense of obligation to pitch for the New York Mets, if they were to join the league. “When someone calls me ‘The Franchise’, what exactly do you think that's referring to?” Seaver replied to the reporter with a twinkle in his eye. Seaver ruled out the possibility, however, of pitching for the Red Clay Aces, a team that has expressed interest in signing him. Unless he was traded, he said, his decision would be between the Spartans or Mets. Although Seaver has pitched very well, he’s been somewhat overshadowed this year by the other pitchers on the staff; Roy Halladay and Tom Glavine SS are both very strong candidates for Cy Young while John Burkett is tied for the league lead in quality starts. Word has also gotten out that Seaver hasn’t exactly gotten along with coach Maddux, but this remains an unconfirmed rumor.
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