Lance Berkman Released, No Longer A Suspect in Taklamente Murder
Former Spartan Lance Berkman has been released by authorities and is no longer considered a suspect in the murder of Meow Meow Dui coach Checko Checko Taklamente. Berkman was found just blocks away from the scene of the crime, throwing something into a sewer grate. When apprehended, Berkman admitted to “doing a really horrible thing”, that he “was just angry” and that “that person didn’t deserve it.” It was thought at first that Berkman was referring to murdering Taklamente and was throwing a murder weapon into the sewer. But as police authorities have termed it, this was simply a case of the “wrong man, in the wrong place, at the wrong time.” Berkman had been drinking heavily that day and had apparently gotten into a bar fight with Spartans reliever Chris Mears. The two had been quarreling over which player had had the better career. The fight resulted in Berkman dragging Mears into the bathroom and giving him repeated swirlies while broadcasting the entire affair over his Snapchat account. Later Berkman drank an entire bottle of Jack Daniels in one evening and was attempting to throw away the bottle in the sewer grate when the police found him. His comments at apprehension had referred to the previous incident with Mears and had nothing to do with Taklamente. Darkpaws Bench Coach Harlan Ellison and Former Wildheart pitcher Tomo Ohka remain in police custody and are still both being treated as suspects.
Ishmael Von Corrin: "Something is not right about Lord Sith."
In an interview after his team’s 15-7 drubbing at the hand of the Z-Slayers, Red Clay GM Ishmael Von Corrin became yet another voice to join in about the strange behavior of the newly appointed Z-Slayers coach, Lord Sith. “To be honest,” Von Corrin said, “he really just looks like a rag doll or even a corpse. He just sits in the dugout totally limp for the entire game. His players drag him in from the clubhouse in the beginning and drag him out at the end. In fact, no one has ever seen Sith do anything under his own power. It just seems very strange to me.” Sith, who disappeared after the fall of the Numidian Empire, has resurfaced after years of supposedly being on the run from law enforcement. Currently he’s only wanted in Zachria for crimes against humanity and charges of terrorism, while many other jurisdictions have labelled him as being dead. In response to these comments, Z-Slayers GM Lord Sinister had the following to see. “You know, I used to think that Von Corrin was one of the better GMs in the league. But I’m disappointed to see that he’s just another one of these crybaby conspiracy theory Pee Wee Leaguers. He’s probably saying this to take the media’s attention away from his team’s absolutely pitiful performance last game.” Game 2 of the series should prove to be rather interesting.
Darkpaws Hint At Rebuilding Team: AM Still Very Much on the Hot Seat
Although technically not eliminated from the playoffs, the Alyxian Darkpaws are limping towards the close of their worst season yet as a franchise. That being said, rumors are circulating that GM ALLIED_MASTERCOMPUTER could be fired any day now in a gesture that signals the team’s intent to make radical changes in the offseason. Several commentators, John Kruk included, have questioned this logic, saying that AM really hasn’t been the source of the team’s problems. Instead, it has been a very poor performance from the offense. Nevertheless, AM’s regime is currently in chaos. His bench coach, Harlan Ellison, is currently one of the prime suspects in the murder of Coach Taklamente. Outside consultants from BillyWitchDoctorDotCom have apparently sold all of the team’s workout equipment to raise funds for a resurrection ceremony for a big bucket of KFC. The franchise player Ken Griffey Jr. reportedly does not get along well with hitting coach Ted. But should the Darkpaws decide to remove ALLIED_MASTERCOMPUTER, he would probably not be long unemployed with several new franchises currently in the works for next season, which would be glad to have a league veteran at the helm. The Tenbil Town Green Sox, still without any staff, have been mentioned as another possible fit.
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