Hello all, and welcome to the Kruk Bucket, your inside look at how the teams are stacking up after series one. Join me as I share my thoughts on the season so far, and polish off this oversized leg of lamb.
(1) MMD – To be honest, I was little horrified at first by all the anti-Japanese and anti-Korean talk coming from Coach Taklamente. After all, who doesn’t love hibachi? But Coach Taklamente explained that they have nothing against Japanese or Korean food, just the players. What a relief. The successful rookie coach mentioned something about feng shui and celestial harmony, which I honestly didn’t understand. But it seems to be working; they’ve only allowed 1 run in three games! How’s that for dominating? The offense hasn’t looked too good, to be honest, but how much offense do you really need when your pitching is so good? In other news, the team has followed the trend that seems to be sweeping the league of hiring a cat to be general manager. Meowth will be taken as GM and logo; there is some talk that his number 1 priority is rounding out the coaching staff.
(2) RED - This team is hot, literally sizzling like a Texas ribeye. They definitely look like they have carried over the mojo from last season that helped them win Division 2, and my gut instinct (rarely incorrect) is telling me that these guys are going to end up at the top again. I don’t really see any weaknesses: the offense was a little wonky at times last year, but they’ve certainly proven themselves this year, as they are the first team in which all of their hitters have at least 1 RBI. So I like what GM Ishmael van Corrin has done here, keeping last year’s team intact. In fact they are better off this year, now that they have Paul Quantril and the six man bullpen. We’ll see how it goes, but I think the Aces have a pretty clear path to the World Series.
(3) LIN – Like I said before, I don’t exactly get the value of having a cat for a GM. But apparently there is something to it. Although GM Jelly Bean has been caught sleeping during each of their three games, she’s gotta be pleased with the team’s performance. Aside from a Scott Schoenweiss meltdown, the Lindsyans have held their own against two formidable opponents; I’d be optimistic too, with all the momentum that they’ve built. Trash talking is a high risk maneuver, but the pay-off is big if you can back it up, which Manny Ramirez did last week against the Spartans. By the way, his solo homer in that game went out of the park and landed in my favorite restaurant in the area of that stadium, the Bobian Bacon Boutique for Bosses. In any case, all segments of the team are doing well now, the real question is how long they will be able to keep it up in the very competitive Division 1.
(4) TEN – Making the playoffs is going to be a lot easier in Division 2, leaving the door to greatness open for even a mediocre team. Are the Green Sox a good team or a mediocre one? Or are they a great team? I still really think that's an open question. They were all over the place last year before they crashed and burned during the home stretch. But I gotta give them a lot of credit for the grit they’ve shown so far this season. After a tough series against the Bobians, they celebrated a big win over the previously undefeated Tycoons. That certainly sounds like contender material to me. But let’s not fool ourselves; it’s not like this team has shown flashes of greatness and disappointed before. Even in the stats you can see the same kind of weird problems they had last year: lots of homeruns, but few relative RBIs. Part of the problem comes from having so many homerun hitters, but another part is also due to poor on base performance. Still, there’s no shortage of players that could step forward and have an MVP quality year: Jorge Posada, J.D. Drew, Magglio Ordonez. But for now I’m keeping my eye on 1B David Ortiz. I think he’s gonna be the X factor.
(5) ZSY – I have to wonder how long it takes to get used asbestos and traces of Zachrian gas, because it’s said that the air quality at the bombed out Z-Slayer park still isn’t good. Plus, the only time that their newly acquired firepower came online was in their away game against the Melmegetians. But I’m not entirely sure if I believe that excuse for two reasons: 1. Their pitching certainly hasn’t been affected by air quality, and have actually punched much higher than their weight. Kip Wells, Runelvys Hernandez, and Zach Day all had superb first outings. Secondly, asbestos is the main ingredient in my favorite barbecue sauce, and it’s never given me any problems. Which makes me wonder if Zachrian gas could somehow be used to make a sauce…I wonder…ANYWAY, I just get the feeling that the Z-Slayers are still a sleeping giant, despite their 2-1 start. Jack Wilson has really been their only hitter who has been hot out of the gate; if the pitching keeps up and a few more of the hitters can get used to the subpar air quality, I would not want to be the opposing pitcher when these guys come to town. Although with the Zachrian Wildhearts now out of the league, the question becomes, what is this team’s motivation when there are no more Z’s to slay? I’ll ponder that over their next few games.
(6) TYC – My readers will remember that I’ve been proven wrong by the Tycoons two years in a row now. I’ll be honest with you all, as I always am: I’m still not a fan of this team, and there’s probably even more reason not to like them this year (Sorry Ghost of Mao. Please don’t bite me. You have fans elsewhere, just not here). You see, the Tycoons traditionally have not been a very good team during the regular season. Their past two championships followed largely the same blueprint; squeak into the playoffs with a lower seed, catch some lightning in a bottle, and then power your way through the tournament. And that's certainly where this team still can be dangerous. But with only 3 teams per division making the playoffs, I think there is a real possibility that the Tycoons might just be left out in the cold. This is a team that is built on pitching, and let’s be honest folks, the pitching looked rather crappy in two of their first three games. The offense hasn’t done anything particularly noteworthy aside from Mr. McGriff’s pair of clutch homers; the quietness of the Giambi brothers is a little worrying, especially the reigning MVP Jeremy Giambi. It goes without saying that it’s still early in the season, but I’m not excited about the start that the Tycoons are off to. And neither seems to be the Ghost of Mao, judging from his antisocial behavior during postgame interviews.
(7) BOB – I always loved going to Bobia to commentate on their games…I already mentioned the Bacon Boutique, but the local Bobby’s Burger Palace franchise is also a personal favorite of mine…aside from that, the games are usually interesting, as the team has pretty much always been competitive. I would give Ronde Barber an A+ in terms of putting together a first class coaching staff and really being active to support the team. It still remains to be seen how his player strategies will play out; many of his big name acquisitions this season have been very quiet, although I don’t think that will last for much longer. Angel Berroa has been performing on and off, with Edgar Martinez and Raul Mondesi showing only the occasional signs of life. The veterans, which make up most of the bottom of the order, lead the team to victory in their first win over Tenbil Town, but have been quiet since. I just don’t see them sleeping for much longer; it’s only a matter of time before they get back into form. The one player I am very concerned with, however, has been the newcomer Lance Berkman, who has done literally nothing in the number 3 hitter spot. We’ll see how much longer the coaching staff keeps him batting in that crucial spot, but I would almost begin to wonder how secure his roster spot is if he doesn’t turn around his absolutely dreadful performance. The pitching has performed as expected, and despite the latest snafu from All Star Octavio Dotel, I believe that this team is very well positioned with a strong bullpen. If you look around the league right now, this is an aspect that most teams are really struggling with, without any immediate solutions. Makes this Bobian asset all the more important. So like the offense, I’m not really judging them based on their performance thus far.
(8) QEY – The Warriors are sporting a 2-1 record, but it very well could be 0-3 as both of their wins involved late inning heroics against weak teams. The offense has looked healthy, with the likes of Ellis Burks, Frank Catalonotto, and Sean Casey all hitting well. But I’m really concerned about the pitching, primarily with the bullpen, who seems to have lost their ability to hold a lead. Bob Wickman struggled at times last year, but he’s looked awful in both of his appearances thus far. Lopez and Lowe haven’t been sharp either. My prediction is that this team most certainly won’t be winning this division again, and really are playing to nab the 2nd or 3rd place position. I just don’t see the offense being able to carry this team all the way; should the bats struggle, they’re toast…and not the yummy kind…without any butter, jam, or leftover bacon fat.
(9) STL – After being totally embarrassed by Meow Meow Dui, the Cardinals came back to life with a big win over the Bombers. A win over the Bombers…ok, so that’s not exactly something to write home about. But it shows that maybe Meow Meow is a bit stronger than we expected and their wins over the Cardinals covered up some of the potential for this team. Larry Walker is absolutely a weapon of mass destruction, but the question remains, can the rest of the team back him up? If not, he’ll be easy to pitch around. Orlando Cepeda and Mark Grudzielanek have performed consistently thus far, but not at a high enough level, I think. My personal take is that I don’t see them as a playoff team…just yet. Although Division 2 is somewhat more open that Division 1, only 3 teams are going to make it. The Cardinals just barely snuck into the number 4 spot last year, and I don’t really see anything that's going to change that this year. Unless some other team, like Tenbil Town or the Tycoons, have a serious stumble. Either way, someone is going to need to step up and give Larry Walker some backup.
(10)MAX – After their thrilling win to kick off the season, this team has looked just like the last place team they were last year. None of their pitchers thus far have looked sharp (I’m looking at you, high priced ace Roy Halladay) and the offense has been like…well…Imagine if I were strapped to a rocket ship and were hurtling through space at warp speed. And imagine if aliens were attacking the rocket ship, but with pancake mix and syrup instead of lasers and bombs. I would be about as satisfied with that meal as I am currently satisfied with the Maxion offense…which is to say not very much (aliens have notoriously bad aim and would get very little of their breakfast munitions in my mouth). Edgar Martinez, Hideki Matsui, and especially Jeff Kent have looked abysmal…and it doesn’t help that all three of them are the slowest runners in the league. So every time one has eked out a single or walk, the next erases it with a ground ball double play. Most of the offensive production, to be honest, has either come from Richie “Why Did I Eat Seven Quesedillas” Ashburn or the bottom of the order familiars like Bengie “Don’t Make Fun of My Speed” Molina and Delino “Delicious” Deshields. We will see who shows up for the Maxions in this season: the plucky fighters who duke it out to the end or the crippled old man that just keels over and dies? I have a feeling it will be on a game by game basis…filet mignon for dinner one night, dog food the next. I’m closely watching their next series against the Bobians; I think it will be a bellwether for the track they are on this season.
(11) AXN – Have you ever bitten into a donut and totally missed any of the filling? It’s been a similar feeling for Darkpaws fans this year. Unlike the other teams near the bottom of the stack, I think this was a team that was likely to breakout from the basement. But the offense has struggled (new DH Mike Piazza has no RBIs, no relation to the Bobian hitting coach), and the bullpen has been absolutely atrocious, blowing two games and just looking awful in the third. Although early in the season, Darkpaw management knows that their current bullpen situation is not sustainable; in fact, they knew this before the season began and still did nothing about it. So what to do now? It was reported last week that trade talks failed with several teams, including the Red Clay Aces and Melmegetian Marauders. The Aces were offering heavyweight reliever Shingo Takatsu for one of the Darkpaw starters, but the Alyxians balked. Melmegetia’s Dr. Vindaloo also turned away the Darkpaws after learning that they had no 2003 cards. So where does that leave the Darkpaws? Some say they will try to go after someone from Meow Meow Dui’s bullpen, although they will probably ask for one of the Darkpaw’s big bats in return. Otherwise, the Alyxians will need to turn to expensive free agents, the problem here being an already maxed out salary cap. If they are going to take on free agents Vladimir Nunez, Danny Kolb, or both, they will need to sacrifice points elsewhere. As its unlikely they’d dump long time ace Barry Zito or newly acquired Kerry Wood 04, the next easiest place to free up space would be 3B Mike Lowell or DH Mike Piazza. There certainly are wide selection of free agents to replace them, but would the Alyxian’s be willing to downgrade the offense and remove Ken Griffey Jr.s second fiddle so early in the season? A very difficult decision, but this it’s entirely of the Alyxians own making, for not addressing this with the points they had available in the offseason.
(12)MEL – Dr. Vindaloo has been perhaps the most vocal GM/owner so far this year, but there isn’t really much to say about this team, that has scored only 2 measly runs so far this season. Trust me, we are all scratching our heads as to why he fired the likes of Ralph Kiner, Ruben Sierra, and Paul Quantril…but maybe there is something more that I don’t exactly understand about this 2003 Purity strategy. The pitching has been the sacrificial lamb here; they’ve given it a good effort and have pitched in the best of Melmegetian tradition, but no matter how good you are, you can’t win games without run support. I’d love to breakdown for you what’s wrong with the offense, but it’s all been bad. Derek Jeter and Miguel Olivo have not been getting on base at the top of the order, and the middle order batters (Adam Kennedy, Scott Rolen, Brandon Larson) have experienced a complete power outage. We might see Vindaloo shake up the order a little bit; otherwise there isn’t very many 2003 edition free agents available. Meanwhile some of their non-2003 edition players from last year are quietly waiting to be picked up by a team, namely Brad Fullmer and All Star Ruben Sierra; I wonder how bad the Marauders record will need to get for Vindaloo to consider giving them a call? Probably not before some other team snatches them up.
Before the game, the Lindsyans announced that former player Moises Alou will take over head coaching responsibilities for JELLY QUEEN DREAM TEAM. “Old Piss Hands”, as he was called back in the day, saw his team do everything right in this game. The offense got to scoring right away thanks to a Rondell White homerun in the first. White struck again with a big hit in the third, crushing a bases loaded double. On the other side, ace Josh Beckett pitched an excellent six innings, looking much more effective than he did in his first start against the Aces. When he did wander into trouble in the fifth, the defensive came up big, turning a very difficult double play. The good vibes continued into the late innings where Manny Ramirez notched his league leading 7th RBI with a double and reliever Steve Karsay pitched 3 excellent innings to finish the game. JELLY QUEEN DREAM team is 3-0 when Karsay pitches, who is having an all-star caliber season, if not the best reliever in the league thus far. Alou was seen after the victory shaking hands with Jelly Bean, an extremely rare occurrence for the cat to let someone touch her paws. For the Cardinals, it shows just how inconsistent this team can be. The only offence came in the form of a Larry Walker solo shot (his league leading 3rd) and the pitching was mediocre. They’ve got an interesting match-up next week against the ascendant Marauders, potentially an important series for these teams later on in the season. 
I don’t think anyone would have thought that this game would have been the biggest blowout of the year thus far, especially given that Game 1 of the series was an extra inning nailbiter. Reigning Cy Young winner Carl Pavano was absolutely shellacked: a first inning rally resulted in a Fred McGriff bases loaded double, a Joe Mauer RBI double, and a Grady Sizemore RBI single. Pavano struggled throughout the rest of the game, the real kill shot coming in the form of a Corey Koskie three run shot in the third. For the Tycoons, Randy Johnson pitched very well, completing the game and earning his first win. Strangely enough, Coach Taklamente never pulled Carl Pavano and had him pitch the rest of the game. When asked after the game as to why they never went to the bullpen, Taklamente bizarrely commented: “We had already lost by the third inning. So I just wanted to see Pavano suffer and burn in shame for the rest of the game. I still can’t believe we lost to some stupid dead cat.” An eerily Zachrian comment, if you ask me. This sweep at the hands of the Tycoons soils a previously perfect record, but is still good enough to hold a very tenuous first place lead in Division 1. We will see if they can hold and or expand that lead next series against intra-division rivals Queynos Warriors. As for the Tycoons, commentator John Kruk was quoted as saying that despite the sweep of a first place team, he’s still not a believer in the Tycoons. “Look, I’ve got a lot of respect for Meow Meow Dui, but that team can’t hit their way out of KFC 10 Piece bucket (Extra Crispy). Randy Johnson is getting old; clearly he doesn’t have the stuff that he used to. To be frank, I think they’ve gotten lucky. The Ghost of Mao is a smart guy and knows how to win championships, but I just don’t see them sustaining this down the stretch.” We’ll see if Kruk will have to "eat" his words again; the Tycoons travel back home for a favorable match-up against the Maxion Bombers.
